cancer

It’s over four and a half years since Mark died and there are still days when I watch a DVD, or see a photo of Mark, or am in a situation regarding the girls that I wish Mark could be there for, and all of a sudden the grief wraps around my heart and squeezes tightly again. My breathing becomes shallow and tears start stinging my eyes.

Messages written on Mark’s casket

Unbelievable, I think to myself, that I can still feel the pain of his death so far down the track and yet I can’t deny what happens; there I stand one minute, seemingly composed, the next a tear stained mess, which totally frustrates me as now I am wasting all that beautifully applied make up.

It’s the funny things that set me off, too. Tonight it was watching Jasmine be part of the vocals in the worship team at our church, a sight that would have made her musical dad so proud.

Last night it was watching old video footage of Mark and his band, seeing him alive and healthy, and playing his guitar which was his favourite thing. For a brief moment in time I forget he is dead and then BOOM my stupid brain reminds me and the grief pulls tight around my heart.

To add to that moment was my beautiful 17-year-old watching it and then looking at me with her big blue eyes and stating, “My dad was so cool!” She was three when Mark was diagnosed and she has no memory of a well daddy.

Yes, that moment broke my heart again; his own flesh and blood has no memory of this except via video.

Misha and I at her 21st birthday dinner.

Added to that, this week our eldest daughter turns twenty-one and Mark is not here with me to celebrate the gorgeous, vivacious, outgoing young adult that has emerged and to remember that amazing, scary and overwhelming day when we both became parents for the very first time. Again I am washed over with sadness at the greatness of our loss.

I feel so stupid crying uncontrollably over his death now. People must think, surely she has gotten over it.

And yes, there has definitely been healing. God has made whole many pieces of this once shattered heart, but still there are those moments, those days when…

I want to scream at the unfairness of raising four girls on my own.

I want to shake my fist at the heavens that Mark is not here to see and enjoy our beautiful daughters.

I want to stomp my feet that I am never going to have a 40th wedding anniversary.

I want to have a tantrum that I am the family’s sole provider.

I want to lash out at a world that tells me to get a grip, because there are days I seriously don’t want to get a grip.

Sometimes I don’t want to rejoice or be glad.

Sometimes I think, “This is a dumb day,” even if God made it.

And there are plenty of days that trying to be content in any circumstances is just a big joke.

Yes I have those days where I go into my pity party tent and I camp out. I make myself a big cup of coffee and I eat a ridiculous amount of chocolate and I settle in.

I know what you are thinking, ‘Man she is pretty pathetic,’ and, yes, you are right, there are times when I am actually really pathetic!

The fact is, life is actually hard for numerous people: debt, disabilities, illness, separation, divorce, gambling, alcoholism, addiction, wayward teenagers, poverty etc are part of many people’s lives.

It can look like it all pretty much sucks and we could let it consume us. I could let it all consume me… but

I know my God and I have seen first-hand what He can do in and to a life surrendered to Him. And people, it’s pretty darn awesome.

One of the things I love most about the bible is that it acknowledges that people have bad days. Look at what King David of Israel wrote,

I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,
and he turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.

He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the Lord.

Psalm 40:1-3 (NLT)

I am a living testament to this scripture. This is what God has done and is still doing when I have my days of despair and go to pity party central. I wait for Him, I cry to Him, I turn to Him and let out all my raw emotions (seriously, nothing is held back) and what does my loving heavenly Father do? He lifts me up (again!) out of my despair, He gives me encouragement, strength, peace and He puts joy back in my heart and mind.

Hopefully, like this Psalm says, others see it or, like you, read about it and are amazed at what God is capable of and then they and you too, will put your trust in the Lord and watch Him do the exact same thing for you.

So this past Saturday night I was all alone, which I actually do like on occasion because it means that I can watch any movie I want. There was a DVD sitting on the shelf that I hadn’t seen starring Kate Hudson, who I think is great. So I made myself a huge bowl of popcorn and sat down to watch ‘A little bit of Heaven.’ Little did I know the movie was about a young woman, Marley, diagnosed with bowel cancer, and how she and her friends and family processed the diagnosis and the illness as it progressed.

Yes, a complete tear jerker which I figured out early on and desperately went on a hunt for a box of tissues, coming back to the couch with a roll of toilet paper, no fancy tissues to be found. Extremely glad I was alone I sat there and sobbed as I watched a movie with the emotions, feelings and reality I too have experienced.

But the thing that moved me the most was how much Marley mattered to her mum, her dad, her friends and her boyfriend. She was so incredibly important to each of them in special and different ways. Not only was she not coping well with cancer and its treatment, but neither were the people around her who loved her so very dearly.

Why? Because Marley was precious to them. There wasn’t and isn’t ever going to be another Marley. She was unique, she was individual and she was special. She was so very important to each of her family and friends because she was completely irreplaceable.

Mark telling one of his ‘funny’ stories. We so miss his laugh.

I know exactly how they felt having lost my husband to cancer. Mark is irreplaceable. He was special, unique, and precious, and all of us, family and friends, love and miss him because of the unique relationships we had with him.

Just recently I read Philip Yancey’s new book, “The question that never goes away. What is God up to in a world of such tragedy and pain?” (Excellent read!)

In it he writes this, referring to the Sunny Hook School tragedy that took place on the 14 December 2012.

‘I’ve seen demonstrated a deep belief that the people who died mattered, that something of inestimable worth was snuffed out on 14 December. In the midst of trauma even a sternly secular culture recognises the worth of individual human beings, a carryover from the Christian belief that each one reflects God’s image. I recalled that after 11 September 2001, the New York Times committed to running an obituary to honour each one of the three thousand people who died in the World Trade Center attacks, as if they mattered and were not cosmic accidents in a universe of pitiless indifference.’

I love how he says that each person is of ‘inestimable worth’. Because isn’t that the truth!

God tells us exactly the same thing in his word, the Bible, about how valuable we are to him…

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!  Your workmanship is marvellous—how well I know it…

You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.

How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered!

I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand!

Psalm 139:13-18 (NLT)

And when Jesus was on earth he said this;

And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows.

Luke 12:7 (NLT)

Friends

How amazing that Almighty God values us so much, that something as trivial as our hair being numbered is of significance to Him.

How mind blowing that we are so precious to Him that we are always in his thoughts.

And how crucial for us to know that we are not some cosmic accident, but every one of us is created with love as a one of a kind masterpiece.

I am challenged from this time on to remember every person I come in contact with, whether family and friends that I love, or people I meet at work or even people behind the checkouts in stores, are special, unique and irreplaceable.

Precious cousins

I am challenged to let my family and friends know that they are loved and special to me. And I am challenged to treat each and every person with the love and respect that something of such inestimable worth and value deserves.

…Body and soul, I am marvellously made! Psalm 139:14 (The Message)

So God created man in His own image, in the image and likeness of God He created him; male and female He created them.

Genesis 1:27 Amplified Bible (AMP)