Author: iamsuzholmes

Not Cutey Cute

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I have four beautiful daughters.  Misha is 21 this month, Bonnie is 19, Jasmine is 17 and Emerald is 15.

Mark and his darling daughters.

Mark and his darling daughters.

I am a solo parent to these four girls.   Mark died when they were 16, 15, 13 and 11.  For nearly five years I have been officially parenting alone but, because of Mark’s long and severe illness, I was essentially doing the job on my own before that.

I remember when my youngest was born, holding her and saying quietly to her, “You are going to have the coolest dad when you’re a teenager.”  I could totally see Mark with his dreads, piercings and tattoos (which were in the planning stage) taking his four girls to rock concerts.

However, my youngest never got to have any memories of her dad before his first brain tumour was discovered and took us on a ten-year journey through terrible sickness.

So here I am, doing something I never, ever thought I would do when Mark and I first started our family – bringing up my girls all by myself.

I love my girls more than anything.  I tell others, having children is like having bits of your own heart walking around in the world.  The love of a parent towards its own child is something no words can ever explain.

But, parenting them on my own has been exhausting – especially through the teenage years.  My friends will attest to the naïve dream I had of looking forward to the teenage years, when my girls would be growing up and we would go shopping together, drink coffees at cafés and have deep, meaningful conversations about all the things going on.

Misha, Mark & Bonnie at Houston Zoo, Texas.

Misha, Mark & Bonnie at Houston Zoo, Texas.

Yes, I can hear you laughing as you read that.  Because, of course, it hasn’t all been raindrops and roses.  Don’t get me wrong – my girls are great.  They are funny and full of life.  Our house is loud, with lots of dancing and singing.  And often we do have amazingly deep conversations, solving the world’s problems or discussing verses in the Bible. 

But there have been great big chunks of the teenage years that I have downright hated, and I have voiced loudly that I actually hate teenagers.  It got to the point where, whenever I saw cute little babies I would think, “You are not really cutey cute.  You are just a big trick, because you are going to grow up and be a horrible teenager.”

But there has been some amazing learning during all this …

I have learned to let go of my girls and totally leave them in their heavenly Father’s hands. 

This was a hard lesson learned, because at 18 my eldest took off (the first time) for six weeks and I scarcely heard from her.  She was in a very bad place and just left one day.  She was legally old enough to go and I had no say.  What could I do?  Nothing!  So I gave her over to Jesus.

He looked after her and has continued to do so.

As the girls all journeyed through their teenage years, God has had to train me to let go and let Him be their protection and their guard. 

There are many nights when I go to bed and none of my girls are at home.  I lay my head on my pillow and pray, “God, I’m going to sleep now.  Please look after my girls, wherever they are and whatever they are doing.  You will do a better job of this than I could, so I trust them to You because You love them.”  And then I go straight to sleep without a second thought.

My Girls.

My Girls.

An extension of this trust is leaving God to work in their lives to bring them into a relationship with Him, because it actually all comes back to this:  the most important thing in the world is that each of my four daughters grasps hold of, falls in love with, and has her own heart set on fire for Jesus.  They cannot live on my relationship with Jesus.  It has to be their own.  Because I cannot live their lives, I cannot be their faith.  They, as individuals, have to make the decision to let Jesus be their Lord.

So, although the teenage years have not being my favourites, in many ways, they have taught me to let go and let God.  And this, in turn, has taught me to pray for others and then relax that God is now doing His thing in their lives, too. 

I have learned that I serve a very big God, who is totally trustworthy.  I have trusted him with my most precious possessions – my girls – and He has not let me down.

Those who trust in, lean on, and confidently hope in the Lord are like Mount Zion,which cannot be moved but abides and stands fast forever.

Psalm 125:1 Amplified Bible (AMP)

 

Umbrellas For Cows

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I have always loved God.  As a little girl I remember praying every night when I had just got into bed.I loved knowing there was a God who loved every person and who had the whole world in His hands.  We lived on a dairy farm when I was young and so my naïve prayers consisted of things like, “Dear God, please cover all the cows with umbrellas tonight because it is raining.”

But also, without fail, I prayed every night for all the missionaries in the world especially the two I knew personally, Dorothy and Mavis, who were both serving Jesus in Papua New Guinea.

_Anastasis    When I was thirteen my mum and dad took me to have a look around the Youth With A Mission (YWAM) ship, the Anastasis.  It sailed around the world with its medical operations on board, helping people and sharing the good news about Jesus.  I walked off that ship knowing what I wanted to do when I grew up – I wanted to be a missionary.

I did get to fulfil this dream, but then life threw a great big spanner in the works – a curve ball, as it were!

“However, despite the “spanner” my passion has never waned.  I still want to spend my life telling everyone I can about Jesus.”                   

This blog feels a little like modern-day missions which, I suppose, would make me a little like a modern-day missionary.

In addition to this exciting step of blogging, I (along with the most wonderful lady, Jenny, who is my editor) am attempting to put my story (the spanner) in a book.  Again, the passion that drives this book is that others may get to know Jesus through my story.

In the book of Matthew in the Bible (chapter 28 verses 19-20) Jesus says:

19 Therefore, go and make disciples of all the nations, baptising them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. 20 Teach these new disciples to obey all the commands I have given you. And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” New Living Translation (NLT)

This is called the “Great Commission” but for me is the motivator that drives me.  I am passionate about being obedient to the last thing Jesus said to do before he ascended to heaven.

So please, won’t you join me as I seek to share what’s on my heart, seek to show you what Jesus has done in my life and encourage you to get to know (or know better) the King of kings and Lord of lords – Jesus!