I am Suz Holmes

It’s over four and a half years since Mark died and there are still days when I watch a DVD, or see a photo of Mark, or am in a situation regarding the girls that I wish Mark could be there for, and all of a sudden the grief wraps around my heart and squeezes tightly again. My breathing becomes shallow and tears start stinging my eyes.

Messages written on Mark’s casket

Unbelievable, I think to myself, that I can still feel the pain of his death so far down the track and yet I can’t deny what happens; there I stand one minute, seemingly composed, the next a tear stained mess, which totally frustrates me as now I am wasting all that beautifully applied make up.

It’s the funny things that set me off, too. Tonight it was watching Jasmine be part of the vocals in the worship team at our church, a sight that would have made her musical dad so proud.

Last night it was watching old video footage of Mark and his band, seeing him alive and healthy, and playing his guitar which was his favourite thing. For a brief moment in time I forget he is dead and then BOOM my stupid brain reminds me and the grief pulls tight around my heart.

To add to that moment was my beautiful 17-year-old watching it and then looking at me with her big blue eyes and stating, “My dad was so cool!” She was three when Mark was diagnosed and she has no memory of a well daddy.

Yes, that moment broke my heart again; his own flesh and blood has no memory of this except via video.

Misha and I at her 21st birthday dinner.

Added to that, this week our eldest daughter turns twenty-one and Mark is not here with me to celebrate the gorgeous, vivacious, outgoing young adult that has emerged and to remember that amazing, scary and overwhelming day when we both became parents for the very first time. Again I am washed over with sadness at the greatness of our loss.

I feel so stupid crying uncontrollably over his death now. People must think, surely she has gotten over it.

And yes, there has definitely been healing. God has made whole many pieces of this once shattered heart, but still there are those moments, those days when…

I want to scream at the unfairness of raising four girls on my own.

I want to shake my fist at the heavens that Mark is not here to see and enjoy our beautiful daughters.

I want to stomp my feet that I am never going to have a 40th wedding anniversary.

I want to have a tantrum that I am the family’s sole provider.

I want to lash out at a world that tells me to get a grip, because there are days I seriously don’t want to get a grip.

Sometimes I don’t want to rejoice or be glad.

Sometimes I think, “This is a dumb day,” even if God made it.

And there are plenty of days that trying to be content in any circumstances is just a big joke.

Yes I have those days where I go into my pity party tent and I camp out. I make myself a big cup of coffee and I eat a ridiculous amount of chocolate and I settle in.

I know what you are thinking, ‘Man she is pretty pathetic,’ and, yes, you are right, there are times when I am actually really pathetic!

The fact is, life is actually hard for numerous people: debt, disabilities, illness, separation, divorce, gambling, alcoholism, addiction, wayward teenagers, poverty etc are part of many people’s lives.

It can look like it all pretty much sucks and we could let it consume us. I could let it all consume me… but

I know my God and I have seen first-hand what He can do in and to a life surrendered to Him. And people, it’s pretty darn awesome.

One of the things I love most about the bible is that it acknowledges that people have bad days. Look at what King David of Israel wrote,

I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,
and he turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.

He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the Lord.

Psalm 40:1-3 (NLT)

I am a living testament to this scripture. This is what God has done and is still doing when I have my days of despair and go to pity party central. I wait for Him, I cry to Him, I turn to Him and let out all my raw emotions (seriously, nothing is held back) and what does my loving heavenly Father do? He lifts me up (again!) out of my despair, He gives me encouragement, strength, peace and He puts joy back in my heart and mind.

Hopefully, like this Psalm says, others see it or, like you, read about it and are amazed at what God is capable of and then they and you too, will put your trust in the Lord and watch Him do the exact same thing for you.

In the mid 1990’s Mark and I had the opportunity of living in Houston working with Mission X a ministry aimed to reach Generation X through music. Part of the Mission X ministry wasa band called the Friendly’s of which Mark was the guitarist, Tim Bisagno was singer, Marty Durlam was drummer and later Stephen Pether joined us as bass player but at the beginning we had quite a few temporary bass players. In the early days of establishing Mission X and getting the band known, they played a gig at First Baptist Church Houston, where Tim’s father was the senior pastor.

The Friendlys in action

It was a gig to raise awareness and funding for the band and Mission X. Our mission was to use music as a medium to tell others about Jesus and take this music and message to the world; in particular to pubs, clubs, festivals and prisons. The band played well and gave it all they could. The music was loud and quite heavy and definitely not the typical music heard at First Baptist Church.

What made this gig a lasting memory was the response at the end of the show. People were coming up to us and saying things like, “Wow, you guys are the best band I have ever heard!” “That was

The Friendlys L to R Marty Durlam, Stephen Pether, Tim Bisagno, & Mark Holmes

awesome; you are going to make it so big!” “Can’t wait for you to put an album out!”

Mark and I were taken by surprise by this incredible encouragement (but of course didn’t believe a word of it). However, it was still super exciting to hear and super encouraging.

I remember thinking that maybe this is why Americans do so well at everything they set their minds and hands to. Maybe it’s inbred in them to be each other’s cheerleaders and to inspire each other to go bigger and do better and to constantly praise successes no matter how small. We left that gig that evening thinking we could do anything and go anywhere, that this band could actually conquer the world for Jesus.

This memory has never left me, and as much as I can I have tried to be like those Texans that night. One of my dear friends is a natural cheerleader. To her everyone is amazing, looks fantastic and is brilliant at all they do. It has been a true blessing to be on the receiving end of that sort of friendship.

Jesus said;

And as you would like and desire that men would do to you, do exactly so to them.

Luke 6:31 (Amplified Bible)

We all want to be told; you’re are doing a great job, or that painting you did was beautiful, that song you sang was amazing, that university paper you got a B in was a fantastic effort or that outfit you just bought is stunning.

No one wants to hear; that painting has too many dark colours, you sang a bit out of key, an A would have been better, or that shirt is too bright.

I have learnt there is incredible lifegiving power in our words and when we speak them into others’ lives we actually have the ability to make or break a person.

As the bible says,

“Words kill, words give life.

They’re poison or fruit – you choose.”

Proverbs 18:21 (The Message)

Isn’t that the truth!

My parents in law, David and Val, have just spent three months in Austin Texas staying with Mark’s brother and his family. One day David was talking to a neighbour about his future plans and he said to David without any pride and very matter of fact that he was studying so one day he could become President.

David said what impressed him about this statement was he actually believed he could. This young man had been brought up to believe he could do anything he had set his mind to. He had been encouraged to aim for his dreams.

This blog and my book (which is in the process of being edited) are acts of obedience to what I believe God has asked of me, but I can tell you now they would not have even got started without the constant encouragement of friends and family who kept saying that I could do it and that I did have something to share with the world.

Being a cheer leader and an encourager does not come naturally to this Kiwi girl, but the more I have practiced it the better I have become at it and the more natural it has become. Also the bonus of encouraging people comes when I see their faces light up.

Bonnie at Cheerleading Champs.

I want to be the mum who tells her girls they are amazing and can do anything they want. I want to be the friend who says, ‘you look gorgeous’. I want to be the church member who tells the pastor their message was great or tells the youth pastor they are doing a great job. I want to encourage family, friends, and even acquaintances to go for their dreams, and to make life happen.

Let’s all follow Jesus’ suggestion and “Do to others as you would like them to do to you.”But let’s do it with our words because all of us really do want to be encouraged and praised.

And maybe, just maybe, that word of encouragement or praise will spur another on to be obedient to what God has asked of them. How awesome to give someone that much needed boost to take a step towards their dream and purpose.