I am a planner – always have been and most probably always will be.  I believe this is a godly attribute as God himself is a planner 🙂

I do life happily by having something to aim towards – some of my goals are little and some are ridiculously huge.

As a couple this was how Mark and I worked as well.  We got married with the plan to do missions.  When we were out on the mission field we were always planning the next tour, the next gig, the next adventure.

When Mark got sick and we were told it was cancer and he was going to die I continued with my planning.  This time it was not happy planning but planning for a future that involved Mark getting sicker, dying, a funeral and then life after as a young widow with four small girls.  It might seem morbid – but I had a plan.

As most of you know life doesn’t often go to our plan and of course life didn’t with Marks illness taking a very unexpected turn with the diagnosis of brain damage caused by the radiation treatment.  When this happened we found ourselves in no man’s land.  There was no plan!  And what was worse there could be no plan!  The neurologist, the oncologist and we ourselves had no idea how this illness could evolve.

I was lost!   This among other things caused me to cope very badly with Marks illness (I won’t elaborate because it is in my book).  I had to let go of my natural instinct to plan and have a goal and instead blindly trust that God, my heavenly Father, had a plan and he had it all under control despite the fact I didn’t.

Yes I learnt a lot of things through that, and yes I did learn to trust in God.

So why am I bringing this up?  Well I had a plan – yep I had a plan for how I was going to do the next few years of life while I still had one daughter left at school.  I thought my plan was in line with what I felt God was leading me into and so thought it was all sorted.

But last Sunday after some time spent alone with God asking him about some issues that needed to be sorted out to keep my plan working, God said, “Drop it, this is not my will for you to continue to pursue this.  It is useless to me and therefore useless to you.  Let it go.”

If there is one thing I have learnt to be good at it’s obedience to God’s voice.  I knew he had said it and it actually confirmed what I had started to figure out because what I was pursuing was simply not working out.

So here I am with no plan.  I have no idea what I am supposed to do next.  I am trying to learn about marketing my book because God told me to write it so I figure I better work at selling it.  But other than that – there is nothing!

All I want to do with my life and my days is tell others about Jesus.  I want God to use me to encourage people to know God or know him better.  That was the vision statement behind the book.

I am very blessed in my job to work at a Christian Medical Centre and I get to talk to people about Jesus, pray for them and try as much as I can to show God’s love in between the very busy phone and the administration required to run a doctors clinic.

But I know God is getting me ready for a change but I have no clue what that is.

God says in the well-known verse in Jeremiah 29:11

plan for you

So even though I don’t have a plan – I can trust that my Saviour does, but there is a condition to me knowing that plan and it is found in the following verses in  Jeremiah 29 Verses 12-14  

call on me

So at present this is what I am doing.  I am calling on God, I am praying to God and I am seeking God, both to draw closer to him but also to discover his plan for my future and what he wants me to do next.  I am trying not to get frustrated (which is my natural tendency) and I am trying not to force anything.  And I am waiting.

God has a wonderful plan for EVERY single person’s life.  A plan that you can’t possibly imagine, and it will fulfil all the desires that are in your heart.  But the condition to finding this plan and living it is like the scripture said, it’s calling on God, praying to him and seeking for him.  When you discover God, which he has promised you will if you ask, then you will also discover the plan and the steps to that plan.  Sometimes you will have to wait and trust for the next step, like I am at the moment, but it will come if you just keep following Jesus.

And so I wait in eager anticipation for the plans and the next steps he has for me.  I’ll keep you posted!

Our Violent Storm

photo credit:

photo credit:

December 3rd 2009 was the day my girls and I entered our most violent storm.  A storm that lay hidden from the majority of the world around us.  A storm that threatened to take us out, to destroy us as individuals and as a family.  A storm like no other I have ever experienced but assuredly as long as I live on this earth I will face a similar but not identical storm again.

 December 3rd 2009 – the day Mark, my husband of 20 years and father of our four beautiful daughters, died.

 Five years ago today!

This past weekend my girls and I went away to the beautiful beach of Onemana.

20014 016Wonderful friends have a beach house there that sits on a slight hill overlooking the Pacific Ocean.  It is one of my most favourite places in the world.  I woke at 5.00am because one of my favourite things to do while I am there is watch the sunrise against the back drop of the endless ocean, and on Sunday morning it was a glorious.  The world turned from the darkest of greys into the most splendid dark pink, then faded to light pink and blue, and then, just like that, it was a stunning new day.

As I sat on the comfy bean bag on the deck covered by my mum’s handmade wool blanket those three words reverberated in my mind and then down into my soul – A New Day!

A New Day!

After every storm there rises a new day. It cannot be stopped.  The storm never lasts forever.

 3rd dec storm 3

It is the same with grief – the damage caused by a storm of grief might remain and need fixing, but the fierceness and intensity of the grief does not endure forever.

There does come a new day.

And with that new day comes hope.

The same Psalm goes on to say:

My heart is confident in you, O God; no wonder I can sing your praises!

Wake up, my soul!  Wake up, O harp and lyre!

I will waken the dawn with my song.

I will thank you, Lord, in front of all the people. I will sing your praises among the nations.

For your unfailing love is as high as the heavens. Your faithfulness reaches to the clouds.

Be exalted, O God, above the highest heavens.  May your glory shine over all the earth.

Psalm 57:7-11

Today on the fifth anniversary of Marks death, with you, the readers of this blog as my witnesses, I want to give thanks to the Lord God Almighty.  It is his protective wings in which I found shelter that has keep me safe through this storm.  It is his love that has comforted me, and it is his faithfulness that has given me hope to believe that my girls and I will make it through.

I am truly confident that God will continue to be all that we need as we continue life.  I am confident that God will never fail us or leave us, and I am confident that God will use this journey and experience for good.

 I will waken the dawn with my song.  I praise the Lord for New Days and I am confident in our New Day as a family because the Lord’s unfailing love and faithfulness never ever ends.

I will waken this New Day in my family’s life declaring to anyone who is listening or reading:

Thank you Jesus!  Thank you for protecting us, loving us, comforting us and raising us up again to have hope for this New Day.

 I praise and glorify the Lord God because he has truly and utterly done great things!


 3rd dec storm 2